Friday, 26 May 2017

Can Not Live Pretending anymore- No More Delusions

Hi Mum 

This is an email from you and is our last real actual communication on the subject. 
For the last time .. I will not ask you again but is this how you feel? is this the way you see things still?
with her letter attached of the last real email she wrote to me ...


she could not be fucked to even write me more than a line of shit.. it  does not even say anything ..
not even Ill think about it .. and write back ..
nothing that makes sense


She wrote :

Sash, that was then, this is now and how I feel now is that I love you unconditionally!! Always have and Always will !!! 
XXXXXXXX
I wrote: 
26/5/2017
I give up now.
You have never ever actually tried to make things right for me. You have never taken any responsibility nor have you ever really offered or truely expressed any real remorse.
 There has never been a true act to help me through it all. You have constantly turned the onus on me to just not bring the "issue"up, it has been down played my whole life. I have never been stood up for by you.
I need to move on and I can not stand to live amidst the delusions and illusions you and Sven hold. Until there is utter truth and everyone acknowledges and sees the gravity of the situation.. there can be nothing real between you, Sven and i .. anyone who really sees would have utterly cut him out .. he should have been cut out right from the beginning .. i can not see how we can in any way get past this.
there is so much deception and twisted perceptions ..
Given he can name his child after the man that caused torture throughout my life .. and have no consideration for how i would feel. I now cut him from my life.

I will not just pretend everything is or ever has  been ok between us, the whole thing is warped and insane.
The all psychiatrists , psychologist and counselors that i have seen over the years say that this view i have is totally in line and correct and that our whole relationship is warped.
I have tried to deny this within myself for years .. but I am now at the point where i know I am not the one that is deluded ... the whole thing is fucked and i cant put up with it or pretend any more.

no responsibility should ever have been given to me as a child. He should have been sent to jail no matter which way one looks at it.. a 12 years olds statements from fear should never have even been considered.. I should have been sent to my father and taken away from him and never crossed his path again.
I dont know what you told the psychologist ... but it was a lie because no person in their right mind would have recommended i spend every time with the abuser trying to sort it out one on one ! Nothing happened in Cape town as per your strange question ... and what the fuck was happening that I was sent to be alone at 14 with the sexual abuser ... and stay in the same room with him !! ( although nothing happened)   me being raped by 5 guys was just a scream for help.. if you did nothing to help me when i said your husband was sexually abusing me then i needed a bigger story .. I just was screaming for help.. i mean how big of a story is needed before something would be done..
the clearer and more healed i become the more crazy the whole thing is .. talk about skeletons in the closet !

Did you ever even read my blog.. did you ever really even truely put your well being aside to see what i went through ...? did you ever go take a book out on the effects of childhood sexual abuse ? did you ever really speak to anyone in truth to see what you could do to help me?
so far i find no real evidence of you really putting any effort in to protecting me.
you never even told my father when you sent me to australia at 12 years old.

I have even told Sven the story and he chooses to discard my story of the truth .. and you even support him in that. what did you tell him his whole life? I am his half sister the abuser is his father It has EVERYTHING to do with him .. now he has a daughter and it chills me to the bone that you and him remain blinded and again do nothing ..  It is everyones responsibility to protect the children at all cost ! I cant believe he would let that little girl near the bastard.


Anyhow .. im over it now.. im over trying to keep a blind spot in my sight .. Im over it and if it is not going to be absolutely real and rational I will rather not have it in my life at all.

So now I will leave you both with your delusions now, as it is time for me to move on .. I will not entertain this illusion and delusions and denials anymore.
So you can live with it .. thats your choice ..
and you can pretend all you like but it is fucked up.. Im over it. It has been the cause of my mental insanity and suicidal tendency and horrific pain in my life, bi-pola, PTSD insomnia, chronic body pain......   for far too long now..

I accept now that your perceptions and justifications are and were totally out of sync with reality and now i will just live with that.. and i cant and wont pretend anymore that anything was in anyway normal and all studies show that I have been a text book case from the beginning..

If you ever actually want to know a fraction of who I am and what I have been through within myself and life since Boris came into my life .. then read my blog without laying some made up story or justification on top..  in truth you do not really know me besides some characteristics.. the real me inside you have only ever seen a fraction of it maybe  ..
If you ever come out of your denial and if you ever come to be truely sorry and realise that I was the child and all i was and did was justified and text book ... then you write to me and let me now .. I will know if it is real.. and if it is real you would evaporate any fraction of Boris in your world.. the choice is and has always been yours. That would also mean coming clean with Sven !

Until then.. if you ever somehow manage to see the actual truth rather than the smoke screens of bullshit...  we have no relationship
There is no room for that forgiveness shit you shoved down my throat to a make it comfortable for you and everyone else ..  in this case a mother does not give forgiveness .. in this case that is not an option... when someone causes such damage and hurt to your child there is no forgiveness.

As a mother i find it inconceivable now that you stayed .. I find it inconceivable that i was made out to be the one that caused all the trouble .. that i was the one that was ganged up upon .. that he was allowed to discipline me through my life .. that any onus was put on me in anyway for being a problem child, teenager or adult..
the more I think of it all the more bizarre it gets. It has taken me 25 years + to really look at this .. and now I see all the truth and all the cover ups and all the diversions and the blame laid on me .. the deceptions..the inconsistencies .. I see fully now why Iv had to dedicate my whole life to keeping my sanity with a back ground so insane.

I cant do it any more .. I can not have any of that delusion in my life ..
If you can then so be it but I choose now not to.. and if anyone is not 100% against him and 100% standing for me in this .. then I do not want them in my life.

You and Sven can live in your smoke screens of delusions and illusions.
I dont want any part of that world anymore.. Ever.

Be well and good luck.

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

7 Years on since Family confrontation

Crumbs, it certainly does seem that this business does not fade and go away easily. I have come to a place in my life where my life is good and I have managed to get to an internal place where I do not become suicidal when confronted by the emotion around sexual abuse and family rejection.
I have peeled onion layer after onion layer over the years and have had much therapy to help me come to terms with my mind and feelings and what is right and wrong concerning the abuse and all that surrounds it.
I have found a deep happiness within myself in finding who I really am.  I am secure in my choices and I have spent hours upon hours cross examining myself and my thinking to find Truth and a place where I believe I am facing all that there is to face from Truth rather than skewed perceptions and influences of the social expectations on my behaviour.
 I am revisiting at the moment the past emails and I am trying to see if I am in line and justified in my thinking. I do believe I have come to a place where the Truth and assumptions I have internalised are correct.

After hearing that my first Nephew by my half brother Sven was named after his grandfather Boris I found myself particularly disturbed. I went through another patch of deep anxiety and worried for his step daughter knowing that he did not take it very seriously about his father being a child molester.
This has brought me to reinvestigate my thoughts about my relationship with him and intern my mother. When I expressed my dismay at the naming of my brothers first child my mother only saw me as "bringing up this issue " again, again showing no compassion or understanding from my dismay. I was hurled written abuse from my aunt accusing me again of being a horrid person who just wants to destroy the lives of my mother and brother. The venom that was put on me was pretty full on.
I realise that my mother and her side of the family still do not really see how much damage was caused and deny the gravity of the damage and work needed to overcome sexual abuse from a family member or my mothers husband to be exact.
Reading through the letters again I came to even see that she made threats to expose her imagined and not true under current accusations that when I was 14 and we ( mother Boris, sven and I) moved to Cape Town from Durban, I had some kind of interactions with Boris. I did not log this before but I am absolutely aghast that this type of accusation is even there. "What was going on in Cape Town when you both stayed at the Attlees, whilst I was in Empangeni wrapping up my business?.......... It was evident that you had a love/hate relationship with Boris." I do imagine these were instigated by my aunt as I was sent at 14 years old with Boris to my Aunts back room 1000+km from my mother to sleep in the room on beds side by side while my mother stayed to sort out the business. If they thought something was going on then what the fuck were they doing allowing us to or even making me live in a room with him... again it shows why i was and have been in such a mentally disturbed mental position in my life, it is all so senseless that they again and again put the onus on the child and I am confronting again the depth of the denial and inconsideration from my well-being and the hideousness of my trouble causing venomous aunt who takes any opportunity she can to tell me how I am the one to ruin my families life and what a 'terrible, small awefull' person I am.  I believe she drilled these ideas into the mind of my mother.. I mean!! what the fuck was I even ever doing alone with the guy and how could any kind of responsibility ever be put on the child !! Again the insanity grips me and twists my mind. So after the letters  that I am now re reading, we had years of not talking. Slowly as things were somewhat 'forgotten' conversations stated again over the 5 years of us settling in New Zealand but no resolution was really ever found. The naming of the child Boris has brought me back to realising that they dont really give a fuck about me or my feelings.
So I need to do something myself and make some clear cut decisions to take another 1 of 1000s  of steps to find my own emotional and mental freedom from the chains that have bonded me in so many ways my whole life.

I have emailed them all asking for them to state their stand. I know what the outcome will be, I honestly do not expect a different outcome but I still offer this last token to come out of denial and admit and realise the depth of what they have all done, and come to Truth and put all cards on the table to right the wrong views.

It is 3 days now and there has been no response from my mother nor my brother to my emails. I will give it another 5 days and following no resolution from that I will surgically cut them out of my life. I do not want any kind of delusions or illusion as part of my existence anymore besides the joys of experiencing life as it is.
If they do not right the wrongs and make undeluded and fully out of denial apologies and realise in truth the wrongs they have done and unperceivable incorrect views they hold then I do not want them as part of my life. I do not want the drag it causes on me.

I have the most awesome life with the most awesome family, home and friends in our new life in New Zealand and it is time to complete this bullshit and release anything or anyone from my life that has a distorted view and is not in support of me in the regard of my history in sexual abuse and verbal and mental emotional abuse in other ways that my family has inflicted on me over the years.

I am happy at the core of my being and I am secure now in who I am. I have finally let go of wanting them to be there for me. I am not in opposition within myself and I have no more unjustified guilt or shame anymore.

I am ready to move on. A couple of weeks ago when I realised what I needed to do to fix the internal anxiety that has kept me insomniac for 7 years.
I messaged my brothers wife to be and told her to protect her daughter against Boris. What she does about that I will never know but the act of at least doing what I wished everyone had done for me all my childhood had an internal release. In this small act I realised that within I had a struggle feeling that I could not do anything for kids in my position and somehow the act released me from being "all of them". I felt like I absolved myself from not saying anything from being all those people that knew but did nothing for me. I felt like I saved myself.  I know in reality that it probably will not work like that and lies and their deception may even not take this seriously and she probably would side with them but in the end I did what I needed to do to uphold Truth and step out of delusion and illusions and it did work and I did set myself free because for the first time in 7 years I slept without needing to sedate or medicate myself.
Slowly with a lot of analysing and self enquiry I am coming to a place of utter freedom from the hells, lies and misperceptions of this journey and healing from the many dimensions and facets of the effects of childhood sexual, emotional and mental abuse.





Wednesday, 17 May 2017

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris

Ugly head again and again -After 30 years They still blame me for the unrest it constantly causes

I have come to have a look again at my child hood.. I have had insomnia for 7 years and have had sleep medication addiction and some deep and constant working thorough my internal being..
I have come to some real deep realisations and had to come to some real intense focus to root out deep issues that i have had all my life .. I am now 40.  Last night I had another major breakdown but this time I am lucky or more like all the work that i have done over my life has now enabled me to not go into a suicidal mess. this time I had the hyperventilation and the internal hysteria and fear but without ending up wanting to suicide. These episodes have certainly become less although i thought I was over it now..
Im sure that chronic major unrelieved stress causes effects way way into adult hood.. this is what i am working to rid myself of.
I find that deep realisations of oneness help my psychological state and i will use this to eventually evacuate this cycle.

Im hitting another stage in this as my half brother was never informed and he has a warped view on his father the abuser . i felt i needed to warn his wife of the danger of the man who molested me as a child. She has a daughter and now they have a son.. I could not go on being like all the people had been to me .. just turning a blind eye.. not saying anything . not doing anything .. head magistrate from Empangeni Marilyn , my aunts and uncles, my mother .... I had to tell her .. i could not remain silent for my own sanity and the child's safety !  I have a deep pain for if they do face the truth and if my brother finally would listen and believe my story which is entirely true.
recently I was badly abused by my aunt on my mothers side who told me i was evil and horrible and all i wanted was to wreck peoples lives,... because i expressed that i was upset that my half brother named his child after the man who abused me as a child. My mother again took his side and wanted to know why I would bring such a subject up again in this time.. Still my mother sides with the fucker who abuses me and still people want me to remain silent " because it has nothing to to with my brother " It is his father and we all lived together. I am beyond myself to understand how this has any sense in it. They really think that i should shut up so not to involve any of my family ! It is so fucked up .. I can not be in contact with them until they are able to be rational and look at facts and studies and see that I am not the trouble maker, I am not the one that causes the unrest, I am not the one who ever does anything wrong by mentioning my emotions around being abused by Boris Bunzek, german born and living Sweden who has never done anything to compensate me in anyway for all he took from my life.
Today I am angry .. I am now angry for the pain that this causes my brother although he too needs to wake up and realise the truth because he has been deceived all his life .. and this shit is not going away ever, because cutting me out does not stop the truth being the truth ... 

The Adverse Childhood Study found that survivors of childhood trauma are up to 5000% more likely to attempt suicide, have eating disorders or become IV drug users. Dr. Vincent Felitti, the study's founder, details this remarkable and powerful connection.


Childhood abuse lays deep and often comes out in adulthood
https://youtu.be/y3cCAcGeG8E

thank you??

Z_abuse
x

Sash thinkhappi@gmail.com

14/07/2011
to abbunzek
Well what can I say... thank you?

you have offered me the 'opportunity' to figure my way out of this head space over two weeks.. thank you....... I need that!

I have memories of you coming into my room and feeling me while I pretended to be dead in bed, what did you think that would do to my mind?
Why did you never say anything to me during those times?
When I went to Australia and mum spoke to you ... what did you tell her?
why did my father not come take me away? Why did he not know? Why did you and mum just not send me to Dad?
Why did you only impose yourself sexually on me while mum was around and not when she was away on trips?
How did you expect me to respond when you pinned me to the kitchen counter and forced your tongue into my mouth?
Did you really think it was a funny game when you twisted my nipples..'teasing me'?

I just can not understand why you did those things? I guess Im stuck in an 9, 10, 11 year old state of emotions and I am trying to sort my head out..
Were you sexually attracted to me? or was it a kick... Fuck man.. I just want to understand what the hell went on there....

thanks for your response it helps me figure out my mind... I want to be a good mum now and a good wife i want to stop these questions running around my head.

- - Sasha - -

Boris Bunzek abbunzek@yahoo.se

14/07/2011
to me
So, lets get started. 

When i came into your room, i assumed that you where sleeping in the first place.

What would you have liked me to say, when I know that it was wrong.

I first denied and than confessed what I had done. 

Why your father not take you, I don´t know but what, when and how much he knew you have to ask your mother because he has never spoken to me about it.
You where actually given the option by your mother to stay with your father but denied the opportunity. It was your own choice to stay as far as i remember. 

If it had something to do with your mom been around or not I can not re-construct now, but why are you trying to analyse me? Stay factual and deal with yourself. 

That i forced my tongue into your mouth I don´t even remember, If i did, it was idiotic and i can only apologize for my immature behavior.

I think it all started with twisting nipples and  than spiraled out of proportions from there. I actually think it was my way of showing affection towards you  which
in the beginning I don´t think had any sexual connertaions intended. 

How is it going to help you to get to understand why I did it? Whatever the reasons, immaturity, not coping with responsibility or frustration with your mom or all of them together. 
I,  to this date can not understand it fully and despise people who do such things to others. I don´t think however that it was a sexual attraction, rather dangerous and forbidden and
maybe I wanted to get caught. ??????????
Don´t really  know and could care less, and so should you. 

Sash, I`m sure you will be a good mom, on the wife part you`ll have to work hard but my understanding is not that your past is hindering you, but your present Character. 
You`ll have to do some soul searching instead of ghost hunting. 
Good Luck.

Sash thinkhappi@gmail.com

14/07/2011
to Boris
Ghost hunting!
Well i actually feel like you have stolen so much of my life, im
deeply damaged and came close to suicide a few weeks ago. I have spent
1000s upon 1000s of hours trying to sort my emotions, confusion,
warped perceptions of the world and people i love and Trying to fix
distorted behaviour patterns toward my kids, husband and people i
love.
I have had family accuse me of
'fucking up' my mothers life when i have brought the subject up, i
have had them cut me off and been told never to contact them again for
expressing myself about the damage and anger from being sexually
abused by you. Iv been rejected by people been told im causing trouble
again.. When all im trying to do is fix the damage you caused.
 I could not focus on school or anything as a child  and because of
that i feel i have missed being able to educate myself and fulfill my
life in terms of being able to focus and pursue a career and there for
be able to contribute financially to my family and our dreams..
I feel like most of what i
have ended up doing in my life has been driven by run away emotions
and psycological damage caused by what you did to me and put me
through.
Never mind the financial cost of getting psycological help and seeing
professionals.
It has cost more hours than i can count to try to get through and work
out and fix effects caused by you abusing me. .
i think you should just google adults effects from child abuse. . .
You fucked up my life and i
hate you for it. .
It has taken me 23 years to be able to feel safe enough to say that. .
. Thanks to my most amazing husband. .
--
Sent from my mobile device

OUR BLOGS: http://worldwideopenmind.wordpress.com
                          http://kwelaadventures.wordpress.com

"There's no use trying" Alice said, "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice" said the Queen.
"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why
sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before
breakfast."
-
Sash
-x-
+27828658555

Boris Bunzek abbunzek@yahoo.se

14/07/2011
to me
Well I´m glad that you finally can express your emotions even though it hurts to hear it. But well, there is nothing more to say!
You have clearly focused your anger and I just hope that you will find a way to come to terms with your life.
I will apologize again for my actions and certainly dont expect forgiveness. 
I have to continue with my life as best I can without dwelling on the past as it also hurts me.
For years and years I have been confronted with my deeds and could not find a solution for it. 
If there is anything else i can do or help you with, feel free to approach me. 
In other words if it helps you to express your hate, so be it. 
Wishing you peace and resolution in your life. 

Boris Bunzek
Mobile: +46 761 681 664

Från: Sash <thinkhappi@gmail.com>
Till: Boris Bunzek <abbunzek@yahoo.se>
Skickat: torsdag, 14 juli 2011 3:56
Ämne: Re: thank you??

Ghost hunting!
Well i actually feel like you have stolen so much of my life, im
deeply damaged and came close to suicide a few weeks ago. I have spent
1000s upon 1000s of hours trying to sort my emotions, confusion,
warped perceptions of the world and people i love and Trying to fix
distorted behaviour patterns toward my kids, husband and people i
love.
I have had family accuse me of
'fucking up' my mothers life when i have brought the subject up, i
have had them cut me off and been told never to contact them again for
expressing myself about the damage and anger from being sexually
abused by you. Iv been rejected by people been told im causing trouble
again.. When all im trying to do is fix the damage you caused.
I could not focus on school or anything as a child  and because of
that i feel i have missed being able to educate myself and fulfill my
life in terms of being able to focus and pursue a career and there for
be able to contribute financially to my family and our dreams..
I feel like most of what i
have ended up doing in my life has been driven by run away emotions
and psycological damage caused by what you did to me and put me
through.
Never mind the financial cost of getting psycological help and seeing
professionals.
It has cost more hours than i can count to try to get through and work
out and fix effects caused by you abusing me. .
i think you should just google adults effects from child abuse. . .
You fucked up my life and i
hate you for it. .
It has taken me 23 years to be able to feel safe enough to say that. .
. Thanks to my most amazing husband. .

On 7/13/11, Boris Bunzek <abbunzek@yahoo.se> wrote:
> So, lets get started.
>
> When i came into your room, i assumed that you where sleeping in the first
> place.
>
> What would you have liked me to say, when I know that it was wrong.
>
> I first denied and than confessed what I had done.
>
> Why your father not take you, I don´t know but what, when and how much he
> knew you have to ask your mother because he has never spoken to me about it.
> You where actually given the option by your mother to stay with your father
> but denied the opportunity. It was your own choice to stay as far as i
> remember.
>
> If it had something to do with your mom been around or not I can not
> re-construct now, but why are you trying to analyse me? Stay factual and
> deal with yourself.
>
> That i forced my tongue into your mouth I don´t even remember, If i did, it
> was idiotic and i can only apologize for my immature behavior.
>
> I think it all started with twisting nipples and  than spiraled out of
> proportions from there. I actually think it was my way of
> showing affection towards you  which
> in the beginning I don´t think had any sexual connertaions intended.
>
> How is it going to help you to get to understand why I did it? Whatever the
> reasons, immaturity, not coping with responsibility or frustration with your
> mom or all of them together.
> I,  to this date can not understand it fully and despise people who do such
> things to others. I don´t think however that it was a sexual attraction,
> rather dangerous and forbidden and
> maybe I wanted to get caught. ??????????
> Don´t really  know and could care less, and so should you.
>
> Sash, I`m sure you will be a good mom, on the wife part you`ll have to work
> hard but my understanding is not that your past is hindering you, but your
> present Character.
> You`ll have to do some soul searching instead of ghost hunting.
> Good Luck.
>
> Boris Bunzek
> Mobile: +46 761 681 664
>
>
> ________________________________
> Från: Sash <thinkhappi@gmail.com>
> Till: abbunzek@yahoo.se
> Skickat: onsdag, 13 juli 2011 17:02
> Ämne: thank you??
>
>
> Well what can I say... thank you?
>
> you have offered me the 'opportunity' to figure my way out of this head
> space over two weeks.. thank you....... I need that!
>
> I have memories of you coming into my room and feeling me while I pretended
> to be dead in bed, what did you think that would do to my mind?
> Why did you never say anything to me during those times?
> When I went to Australia and mum spoke to you ... what did you tell her?
> why did my father not come take me away? Why did he not know? Why did you
> and mum just not send me to Dad?
> Why did you only impose yourself sexually on me while mum was around and not
> when she was away on trips?
> How did you expect me to respond when you pinned me to the kitchen counter
> and forced your tongue into my mouth?
> Did you really think it was a funny game when you twisted my
> nipples..'teasing me'?
>
> I just can not understand why you did those things? I guess Im stuck in an
> 9, 10, 11 year old state of emotions and I am trying to sort my head out..
> Were you sexually attracted to me? or was it a kick... Fuck man.. I just
> want to understand what the hell went on there....
>
> thanks for your response it helps me figure out my mind... I want to be a
> good mum now and a good wife i want to stop these questions running around
> my head.
>
> - - Sasha - -

--
Sent from my mobile device

OUR BLOGS: http://worldwideopenmind.wordpress.com
                          http://kwelaadventures.wordpress.com

"There's no use trying" Alice said, "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice" said the Queen.
"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why
sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before
breakfast."
-
Sash

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

First Real Reflection in 5 years




I am slowly starting to put some videos up on my youtube channel Sailingsash
https://www.youtube.com/user/sailingsash


Wow it seems like an eternity now since I crossed from Cape Town to Perth in the boat we re-fitted on a shoestring budget.

I found my folder with all the videos that I recorded on the way.
Watching them for the first time, I realise that I have not really taken the time to reflect on that trip.
Im finding the revisiting of this time in my/our lives quite interesting. Im amazed that I never went through all the videos.
I guess we hit the ground running when we arrived in Auckland. We had to start a whole new life.
Looking back it is an absolutely crazy time.  We really have had so many different lives in the last 10 years.. never mind the last 40.. its quite amazing looking back.

I may take the time to write more about where I'm at now and my reflections.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Hardcore - Bottom Line!

When you are in the mind set of holding on, it appears very hard to break the cycle, the pattern .. But if we get totally transparent to the world and intensely honest with ourselves we find that we are holding on because it has worked at some point at some level. 
As Adyashanti - Stephen Grey - says below - if we are prepared to give up anything to be free of our pain - we must awaken to the realisation that freedom already exists now, in this moment. 
If we accept this we can be instantly free of the rapids. 
In the head space now it's easy to say. 
But again - keep choosing, until no more choosing is needed. 🌱🌓🌀

Q. I thought I made a commitment to Truth, but I still haven’t found it.

Adya. As soon as you want the Truth more than anything else, you’ll get it.  That’s how it works.  It’s pretty simple.

Q. Is making this choice something that happens over time?

A. If you want it to.

Q. Is this a choice that you just have to keep making?

A. You continue to choose this until you don’t have to choose anymore.

Q. I want it so badly that I’ll give up anything for it.

A. Are you willing to give up pretending that you don’t already have it?

- The Impact of Awakening

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

A beautiful process

It is the most beautiful gift to offer a person the 'space' to feel their pain, joy,sadness, confusion, love, hate - depth of feeling. Deluded or not it holds a perceived reality. In feeling it all until there is nowhere left to go, no more avoidance,  there lies the freedom. But - still again: deep within we must want freedome enough. And when we want to be free enough and that meets with "a giver of 'space' "  there comes such a beauty, we find 'oneness' with the universe. We awaken to who we really are, for we are not the sum of our experiences, we are not the name we were given. 

Again and again 

être Libre d'être 

Give 'it' it's freedome to be as it is
And therein lies your freedom.


Monday, 14 December 2015

How to Meet Obsessive Thinking



Q. “How do you suggest we approach obsessive thoughts that consume us like fire twenty-four hours a day, like your initial obsession with the thought that you needed to attain enlightenment? Does freedom from those thoughts come only when we reach a point of such complete desperation and failure that the mind caves in and one drops through into truth?”

Adya. “Let’s start at the beginning. Obsessive thinking arises from fear, anxiety, and struggle. These are the drivers of excessive thinking. So in addition to the meditation practice, you may want to begin to contemplate what you are afraid of, what you are running away from, what you don’t want to deal with within yourself or your life. By contemplate I mean to identify exactly what fears are driving you. What assumptions are they based on? What are you running from? 

Also, rampant thinking is your mind looking for peace—as if, if you could just think enough and understand enough, your mind could be at peace. But the mind never thinks its way to a lasting peace. In fact, in the mind’s rush to find peace and security, it overlooks the peace that is already present within the presence of awareness. 

So contemplate what your mind is trying to run away from, and what it is looking for. And begin to show your mind that peace is available in the present. Literally bring your mind’s attention to the greater peace of awareness. And give your mind something to do in the form of following your breath. Just follow the breath whenever you can during the day, because it will calm your nervous system and give your mind something to do other than to obsessively think. Of course, thoughts may come, but anchor them in the breath. Be patient and kind to yourself. Very patient and very kind.”

~ Adyashanti

The Way of Liberating Insight

This is Art - by Scott Listfield